Previously on the L Word
You gave up your autonomy in a relationship that the law doesn't recognize.
And your ex controls everything
You send her to see the fucking Joyce Wischnia
I just suggested she see a layer.
if you sign a six months lease...
I would sign a six months lease
I don't care if I loose my money as long it is mean Tina's coming home.
Do you notice anything about her?
Yeah, she looks a little bit like Bette.
So... you're looking for a roomate?
- We should talk. Why not, right? - Ok.
Yeah, those relationships
- You can really fuck you up? - Yeah.
- You don't want be in a relation ship? - No, I don't.
Well arrogant is fine. Hubristic, overly precious bad puns are to be avoided
Especially if someone wants to be accepted into my class.
Well, you know that we've set a date. We'll really like your blessing.
- I have to go the bathroom - You have to get out, that's against the rules.
No I have to go to the bathroom, Al!
Are you three? Can't you hold it for a minute?
- - Are you guys getting it on yet, or what? - No!
I have a cashier's check for $50,000, I'm coming in as your partner.
It's a business arrangement Kit
- Bur Yvan, I... - That's all it's gotta be.
Alice, you're a bad, bad girl.
- What? Why?! - Don't lie.
Tonya knows all...
And she's mad...
Do you know how to say you're sorry?
That's right. If you're gonna play, don't play without the Ton-Ton.
What about Dana?
Someone's hungry...
Starving!
Why don't you tell me what you have in mind?
Okay.
My client and I have every intention of making this as painless as possible.
We are offering to cover all living expenses
for Miss Kennard including her own apartment, and an initial $10,000 dollar stipend
stipend to be disbursed any way Miss Kennard sees fit.
Aw, c'mon, Bert.
That's sweet, but short-term.
We're here to talk final separation.
- The last hurrah. - What?
This wasn't a marriage.
It wasn't? Well, let's see, we've got...
A house, cars, vacations, love, commitment,
a promise to be true? A baby that was lost. A trust that was broken.
I don't know about you, but that sounds like a marriage to me. Does that sound like a marriage to you?
It was.
It's a, it's a marriage that I don't wanna have end.
Yeah, well, it's a little late for that.
So let's get back to the business at hand:
the equitable division of funds.
I think we've got it... we...
- How many times do I have to say I'm sorry? - Here we go.
I am. Please don't do this to us.
This is not who we are.
We can fix this, ok we can fix this, Tina.
Do you still love me?
Do you? Do you still love me?
Don't do this. Don't destroy us.
If I could just interject for a second here, um...
wasn't Tina who destroyed this relationship, that was you.
And it's a good thing to remember, as you're dealing with the consequences.
I am dealing with the consequences.
Well good for you, but this moment isn't about you,
this is about Tina. And what she wants.
Tina? Is this what you want?
- I... I think things need to be different. - Did you hear that?
They will be. They will be different.
So why don't you get off the floor and let her do what she wants for once, instead of you running the whole show?
C'mon.
Why don't we reschedule this at a time when
everyone is feeling a little less dramatic?
Well, talk about a command performance.
Meryl Streep couldn't have done it any better.
I'm instructing you not to have any contact with her until we get this thing settled.
She'll just wear you down until she gets what she wants.
I've seen it a thousand times.
"I cheated on you...
Feel sorry for me...
I'm in pain!"
Hey, Emily, will you get me a protein shake?
Tina, you want anything?
No, no... no thank you.
God, I'm just so fucking mad!
Good! Good! Anger will help you change your life!
Now c'mon, sit down.
Okay. I want you to tell me what you need, right now.
An ice cream sundae?
Foot massage?
- I need my own life. - Tell me what I can do to make that happen.
I'm having a baby.
I don't have a place to live. I'm sleeping on my friend's couch.
Been there for a month, I know she wants me out.
- I should take that deal. - No, no, no, no, no, no.
My guest house is empty and you're going to move into it
until we get the deal we want.
- Joyce, I can't do that. - Why not?
What, you don't have luggage?
Can't lift heavy things? I'll get somebody to help you.
You know how many of my clients have stayed in my guest house?
Plenty.
I'm happy to have it to offer.
Good girl.
Are you blind?! You fucking went through a red!
Get out of that fucking car!
Com' on get out of the car!
Get out of the fucking car!
You need to stop yelling. No one was hurt,
I have insurance, so just shut the fuck up,
do you fucking understand me you fucking idiot,
or do I need to scream like you, like a fucking insane savage?!
You're gonna be one sorry bitch!
What makes you think I'm not already?!
Stuff there for you to do...
take those two boards out.
Kit!
I didn't expect it to change so much!
It is gonna be a different place.
I got a real sound system coming here tomorrow,
and they're gonna finish the floor today,
then the stage...
The stage is always gonna be ready.
We're gonna have - we're gonna have keyboards, drums, guitars,
just in case a Lenny Kravitz comes into town,
Sheryl Crow, Mary J. come in here and they wanna kick it and jam?
They got a place.
And I got a jazz quartet for the opening night,
man, they're the bomb!
A jazz quartet?
Kit! This is...
West Hollywood, this is Gay Town!
You... gotta give the girlies what they want.
Well, I can't change that now, that's Mason Ray,
You know, he was with the Velvets and the Sheffields... y'all heard of him, right?
No
No, no, no, it's gonna - it's totally gonna be okay.
Look, Kit, I swear, it's not that big of a deal.
Listen - no. People like that music. They do.
Not the people that come in here.
I mean, you know, she's right.
You know, I'm not playing to my core audience.
We'll find you someone.
I know! I know!
Pink! Pink! She's in town!
Al, how are you gonna get Pink.
Well, we've gotta know a lesbian who knows a lesbian, who knows another one who knows her.
- We could get to her. Right? - Yeah.
She would love to play here!
That's not gonna happen.
Kit, believe in the power of the lesbian phone tree.
I need something solid.
Wait, um...
I know someone who's a DJ.
And she's excellent, but I know that's not what you're looking...
No, I'll, no - I'll take it. I will definitely take it.
And she better be good.
She is.
Miss Birch?
Yes?
My... my name is Jennifer Schecter.
Um. I applied for your writing class?
The class is full. You can try again next semester.
I - I - I realize that. But,
I just actually wanted to know why I didn't get in?
Maybe it's your self-consciousness.
The schoolgirl outfit you came in here with?
Am I supposed to fall for that?
I want real writers in this class.
Fiction writers.
You don't write like that. You journal.
You think because you change the circumstance and the settings, that you're creating,
but you're not.
And I'm not here to read the autobiography of Miss Jenny Schecter.
Become a writer first.
Then maybe.
Well thank you for letting me know.
But please don't presume that you know me.
This is gonna be great.
You know? I mean, the place will be all yours.
You could have stayed totally as long as you wanted at my place, so you know.
Stop feeling bad. You need your apartment back so you can work.
Oh, I know, I'm just, you know, friends should sacrifice for each other,
- And I wanna sacrifice. - You've already sacrificed!
Whoa. Is this the guest house?
Okay. I officially stopped feeling bad, for sure.
Think about the breakups that built this house.
Well, I mean, let's not forget she does use her powers for good.
If it weren't for her, there'd be no second-parent adoptions.
I don't think it was the adoptions that paid for this place.
Whoa!
You're stoked.
I just wanted to give this to you. The bank sent it to my house.
You alright?
I've been better.
Me too.
Have you eaten?
- No. - Want me to order something?
I guess.
I may not be able to pull this off by Friday.
Half my deliveries aren't in and the sound system may not be ready
Tina is taking legal action against me.
She's divorcing me and I smashed my car in an intersection, so...
You want Mexican?
Sure.
- Hi. I'm... sorry. - Oh, no, no, no, hey. That's okay.
Let me ask you something. What says you care more,
beer or soy milk?
- Soy milk. - But that's not very sexy, though, is it?
No.
Allright, well that's what I thought.
And there's more in the fridge if you want it, and I'm Carmen.
I'm, uh, Jenny.
I know.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, uh... sorry you had to meet me in my SupahLovah Costume.
- No, it's... it's nice. - Okay.
- I like it. - Good night.
Hey!
- Hi. - You going somewhere?
Um... yeah, I was...
- Thinking of going out. - Were you.
Uh, well, I, uh...
I think you should stay.
- Really. - Yeah, I do.
I think you should stay home.
And I think you should play a game with me.
Oh yeah?
This game is called...
"Too Hot. "
And here's how we play.
We... start kissing.
And we can't stop kissing.
But we also can't touch.
No touching.
So, then, if you touch me,
then you lose.
And that means I can do whatever I want.
And... what happens if you touch me?
Then...
I lose.
And you get to do whatever you want to me.
So.
Are you ready?
- Yeah. - Okay.
Hands off.
Okay, here we go.
Lie down... bitch!
Oh. You're so awful.
Mm. Did I say you could touch me?
- No. - No. And why?
- Because I lost. - That's right. And?
What? I didn't hear you?
- Because you won. - That's right. I won. Loser.
That's right. I won. Loser.
Stay.
You're such a...
bitch.
There I was at the carnival.
Life was so simple, indeed.
Lots to do at the carnival.
Step right up!
Hurry, hurry! Keep 'em coming!... bulldog...
- See the results in a jar! - No no no no no no...
"Here we are, at the carnival,
laughing and singing and shouting,
we're shouting, shouting, we're shouting.
Lots to do at the carnival. "
Tell me where you grew up. Tell me...
Tell me where this...
...came from.
Nothing? Not gonna talk? Okay. Um.
How bout...
how 'bout a hamster? Did you ever have a hamster growing up?
No? No... okay, um...
Brother and sister. How many of those did you have?
You know what, let's start with mom and dad.
Are they married or divorced?
Do you write them, do you...
see them, do you... love them?
I mean, anything...
I'm gonna go out.
Okay. Um. What about your tattoo. Why do you have that?
I like it.
Good. You like it. Great.
You know what?
Um. I guess, uh...
I'm gonna be leaving.
So.
I don't know, you know, if you have, like, house rules or something...
No! I don't. There are... there are no house rules.
- Right. Right. - There's not.
I...
I don't like sleep-overs.
I'm sorry.
- But I don't. - Okay.
You don't have to explain anything. It's your choice.
Well, get ready!
Love at first sight.
At the Dinah Shore weekend of all places!
Here comes the bride!
- Honey! - Hi, honey.
What's going on? Thought it was just us.
Dana. This is Vanessa Godson from Absolut Vodka.
You know Brian Karikawa
- ... from Subaru. - Hi.
Nina Alexander from Bride Magazine.
- We have Roman Brown from Wilson. - Hi.
Sam Counter from The Advocate.
And of course you know our business manager.
- Eric... - Eh Dana.
Have a seat.
Research shows our country is obsessed with weddings,
especially celebrity weddings.
Together, we are gonna produce an event unlike any they have ever seen.
Welcome to the first-ever, corporate-sponsored, celebrity lesbian wedding!
Now if we could all turn to page four of our packets.
Picture this. A gleaming white Subaru with "Just Married" stenciled on the back window.
Subaru Outback? It's clever, Tonya.
We'll have simultaneous covers on The Advocate, and Bride Magazine,
each with a back page Absolut Vodka ad.
"Here's to a marriage not on the rocks. " That's fantastic.
And the car could be dragging Wilson tennis ball cans.
- I love it. - You read my mind, Roman. After all,
it takes balls to break the law.
Dana and I won't just be making our commitment to each other.
We'll be making history.
No. Herstory.
- Absolut herstory. - Exactly.
There are three new shows I'd like to commission.
I assume we're counting on the Peabody Foundation to underwrite some of this?
Well, they have funded it for the past six years.
Yes, but Peggy Peabody is stepping down.
And, uh, her daughter Helena is taking over.
Could be a whole new ballgame.
Bad news, is, we don't know what Helena Peabody has in mind.
Good news is that she's one of your people.
One of "my people"?
What are you referring to, what, is she a Yale graduate,
an art history major,
is she a mulatto gal, is that what you're trying to say?
I meant she's a lesbian.
And why is that a good thing?
Because I thought your paths might have crossed. It could be useful.
Right. Because me and my people, we're all on a first-name basis.
May I suggest you get on one? Because if we lose that grant...
Franklin, if you want me to go to New York and make nice, I will.
But please, stop panicking. I'll handle it.
Uh, excuse me.
Uh, there's a Brad Green on the phone. He's called like fourteen times.
What part of "no" don't you understand, Mr. Green?
I am not going to write you a blank check just because you yell,
like a fucking banshee.
I need an estimate.
The insurance company needs an estimate,
do you see a pattern here, it's the way things are done.
Listen, you asshole, if you keep pushing me, you're gonna end up with a lawsuit on your hands, you got it?
Bring it on, you fucking dwarf.
Shall we move on?
So. I'll cut a check for Tonya today from the corporate account.
For what?
Uh, her manager's fee. I think it should come from the corporate account,
because it's better for tax purposes.
Tonya's taking a manager's fee?
Well, just the standard fifteen.
Is that... okay?
Yeah, it's fine.
No. It's fine.
Eric, one second.
Lunch.
Who... who paid for lunch?
Oh. We'll take it out of corporate.
Corporate. Of course.
- Great job, Tonya. - Thanks.
I have to go. The Monistat rep couldn't make it to lunch, so I'm gonna go pitch her now, okay?
You okay?
You told Eric to pay you a 15% manager's fee?
Is that bad?
Are you my fiancée, Tonya, or are you my manager?
I'm both.
Dana, don't get so upset. We talked about this.
No, we never talked about this.
Are... are you... am I not doing enough?
Do you think I haven't earned 15%?
No... you've done... you've done a lot.
Hey. I love to do it, and I'm good at it.
And you need a manager.
Would it make you feel better to get somebody else, because I can brief them,
on everything we have going on.
No, no, no, no, don't, it's fine. I'm just surprised, okay.
I could swear we talked about this. I think you are training too hard.
I have to dash.
I love you.
It's me.
Are you here to complain about your fiancée?
She's taking 15% of my earnings, Al.
Yeah, what's going on?
I can't come up.
Why?
The rules, Al!
Just... we'll figure something out!
You're just gonna let her take 15% of your income?
What can I do? Al?
Fire her!
Dana, you're marrying an endorsement slip!
But... I can't believe she got you all those deals, though.
That is pretty incredible, actually.
Well, if - if you wanna auction off your love to the highest bidder, it is.
It's her job, Al.
It's her job now because you always let her get her way.
It's weird.
Look out.
- Hey, Patty. - Hey.
- She's got you brainwashed. - No she doesn't.
Don't you think...
just a little?
Maybe a little.
Your skin looks really good.
Really?
Well, I was just... forget it.
Well, you look really good, too.
Thanks.
My... feel my thighs, they're getting stronger.
Yeah - they're tight. Tighter.
They're tight!
Oh, sorry.
You going to Shane's? Tonight?
- Yeah. - Cool...
- Is Tonya coming? - Yeah.
'Kay. I'm gonna get back cleaning. I was cleaning. So, I'm just...
- I rewrote my submission. - I already told you, the class is full.
But I did what you said. I turned it into fiction.
I want you to read it, and I want you to tell me if you think that I haven't.
I'm not opening this car until you're gone.
This... means more to me than you can imagine.
And I know that you can make me
a better writer.
You have already.
Hey girl, just checking in, see how you're progressing with getting Pink.
Yeah, I talked to some people.
They're really excited about the possibility of, uh, her performing.
Yeah. No, I know...
I know...
I'm really countin' on the tree, you know.
- Don't let me down. - I'm still trying, Kit. Yeah.
Okay... I know.
Okay. I'm really sorry.
Okay, sorry. Allright.
I'm too old for this shit, man!
Okay, you guys. We've gotta know someone who knows Pink.
Gillian! What about Gillian?
Nah, Gillian got married and moved to Costa Rica or something.
- So she's not even talking to Dorothy? - No! Definitely not.
- Why don't you just phone her agent? - 'Cause that would be too easy.
You never should have promised Kit you'd get Pink.
I know. Thanks.
Oh, Jenny, I'm sorry... I thought you were working late.
- We can go, though. - No, no, no, don't.
I, uh, I skipped my shift. It was raining. Thank you.
I was running an errand.
Alice was complaining that there weren't enough interesting,
- single women in L.A. - She's not single. She...
You're seeing Robin, right?
No, we actually... we broke up.
Wow. So you're single!
- Wow. What happened? - Um. I don't know.
She's smart, and she's sexy,
and she's great.
But she brought a U-Haul to the second date.
Oh, god, did you talk to her?
No, it's...
...moving in after a second date, classic lesbian move.
Right, Tonya?
Something good doesn't stay on the shelf long in this community, Alice.
Well, everyone's having such a good time.
I thought I would invite myself since no one bothers to anymore.
Join us.
Would anyone mind if I sit,
or is everyone suddenly gonna remember some place that they have to be?
Bette, nobody's avoiding you,
- we all love you. - Especially you, Alice.
I do. Actually.
It... hasn't been easy. Nobody likes choosing sides.
But you do it so well.
- C'mon, Bette. - Is it time for me to shut up?
No, it's... no. We're here... to have a good time. So..
- Let's do that. - Okay.
This is really awkward.
I always think when things get this bad that it's best to change the subject.
So, I'm gonna ask a question and everybody can take turns answering.
Um... okay. The question's gonna be... if you saw yourself at a bar,
would you ask yourself out?
I'll go first.
I think... if I saw myself...
...that, just for a minute, I'd think my thighs were too big.
And then I'd decide that I like that.
Okay, so you go next. Honey?
Why don't you go.
I think I would wanna ask myself out.
It would nnnever happen 'cause you wouldn't have the balls to ask yourself out.
Well, I would fuck myself...
- but I wouldn't date myself. - 'Cause you wouldn't do that?
It's her house rules.
- Al, would you answer the question? - Okay...
It's a stupid question but okay.
Whatever. Okay, I don't know, I would think that I was hysterical and charming, but...
I don't think I'd go there.
Something tells me you would.
Okay... What is going on with you two, you're totally on each other.
Jenny hasn't answered.
Um, I think that if I were a guy,
I would definitely ask myself out as a woman,
and if I were a woman there's no fucking way that I would ever ask myself out as a woman.
Interesting.
What about you, Bette?
I would see myself...
and then I would go running... in the opposite direction.
Okay. We're almost there.
Just a few more steps.
I know, baby. Alright, alright. Right here, alright?
Oh no... don't cry. C'mon.
Shh, shh, shh. C'mon.
I'm sorry...
There's no need to be sorry.
I'm sorry.
Welcome to the defining moment of your existence.
Is everybody signed in?
I haven't.
Let's pick up where we left off last time.
We were writing about the hunter and the hunted.
How's everybody feel about that?
A little shaky? Unsure of themselves?
If not, I'll make you feel that way, imminently.
Oh, god, James, thank god it's you.
Yeah, I was wondering if it was gonna be Franklin breathing down my neck.
Listen, I need you to email me last year's Peabody grant application.
Yeah, I'm completely stuck.
Okay. Allright, great. Thanks.
No, I'm not coming in today, I'm working from home.
Yeah, I need to get this grant proposal finished.
Allright?
C'mon in! C'mon in!
It's open!
Well - don't tell me you're not coming?
It's the reopening of The Planet!
I mean, I know you don't wanna see Bette, but,
we all have to be there to support Kit.
I'm sorry, I can't. I - I need...
...to finish this grant proposal, and turn it in by tonight.
Plus, I wanna go by the house and pick up some things while Bette isn't there.
Great.
Remember how I used to tell you it would suck if you and Bette broke up? Well it does.
This is so fucked.
You know, I'm starting to get scared, it's like...
...Bette's smoking and drinking herself to death, and you're...
I'm gonna say it, Tina...
You're eating your pain! And I don't know how much...
...weight you've gained! But if you don't stop,
you're gonna have to go to some ashram,
or hire some really majorly important trainer.
- And you don't have the money! - Alice.
I'm not fat.
Shit...
I'm a little confused...
How did that happen?
I - I did it while Bette and I were still together.
But I didn't tell her because I wanted to see if it would take.
I didn't think she could handle another miscarriage.
- Ohh. Look, it's gonna be okay! - No, it's not, it's so fucked up.
I'm gonna have a baby.
I thought it was gonna be mine and Bette's,
but it's going to be my baby.
And I am going to love her,
and care for her, and I am going to give her...
...a great shot at life.
C'mere.
- Is that Carmen spinning? - Yeah, I hooked her up with Kit.
Aren't you gonna go say hi?
I did.
What.
I don't know, you just sometimes remind me of guys I used to date in high school.
May I have two of those please.
Sorry.
'Scuse me. Shane!
Allright, okay, um, I have to tell you something I'm really kinda not supposed to tell you.
Fight the urge.
But... but I can't!
Try.
- But it's hard! - I know! But try.
You shook the lesbian phone tree and look what fell out.
Oh, my god. It's Betty.
Bow to the power of the tree. Hey, Betty rules!
- What. - Hm? - What?
- What? - What?
I didn't know that you were a regular smoker.
I'm not, I - I quit. Four years ago.
Thank you.
How are you?
How were you when your life fell apart?
A mess.
That's it. That's me.
You know what?
It does get better.
You know, I keep... replaying it, over and over again in my head.
Just trying to figure out...
the exact moment... when I could have stopped myself.
You can't do that.
Because we all make mistakes.
But not me.
Not like this.
I don't even know why you're talking to me about this. I mean,
it wasn't like I was very nice to you when you went through all of this with Tim.
I don't know.
I guess... I know how that feels.
I was thinking about the other night.
You know, when I said a good woman didn't sit on the shelf for very long.
- I hope I didn't offend you. - Uh, no?
Because I know you've been single for a really long time,
and it must be so hard to have your best friend so happy and in love.
No?
Come on. I'm not blind, Alice.
Blind, blind to what? Dana? No! No! I -
That's not what I meant.
But you gotta admit, she's adorable!
You've gotta miss that in your life!
That's why you're so mean! You miss her!
I barged in and I stole your best buddy.
Look! Dana loves you!
But I want you to know, okay?
Ton-Ton knows how to share.
I gotta pee! I gotta pee! I GOTTA PEE!
I gotta pee too.
Not so fast, hot stuff.
Ladies... and a few gentlemen.
This is a dream come true.
I've always wanted to have a place where musicians could come and jam and get much love.
So I want you to give it up for Betty!
Give it up! Givin' it up for Kit Porter, does she know how to throw a party or what!
You know, when I was a kid and I -
I saw you on stage, I thought, "That's my sister,
...she can do anything. "
I feel like that right now.
I have a confession to make. Kit Porter is my idol.
And to be standing here on her stage
after growing up, listening to her music, is - it's like a dream come true.
Kit? Kit Porter, will you please come up and sing here with us?
Come on
Would you like to get out of here?
Yeah, I do. But, um, I'm actually still working.
So, maybe we can do it some other time?
- Yeah, I would like that. - Yeah?
Tina...
Thanks to Steph from www. thelwordsite. tk for the transcript.
Subing: Ally, Benouchette et Alucardo www. forom. com